I know to some, award shows are meaningless, but I have always unabashedly loved the Oscars. It’s like my Super Bowl. I’ve been predicting Oscars for a couple years now, and I have a pretty good record, but this year is probably the first time I don’t know who are the clear cut winners.

However, I will say this - This is the Artist’s big year. The film is the right kind of film to win Best Picture, an ode to Hollywood’s past, that is enjoyed by all ages. The same goes for Hugo, though it’s connection to a (pretty fucking epic) kid’s book won’t help and the fact Martin Scorsese already got his apology awards for the Departed. Don’t rule out the Descendants, too. This may be Alexander Payne’s finest movie yet, and there no denying he’s one of America’s finest directing talents right now. The Dark Horse this year is without a doubt Terrence Mallick’s epic The Tree of Life. Probably the year’s best film, but God, it is arty. Oscar likes arty, but not that kind of arty. 

So Here Goes Nothing: 

Best Picture

Who Will Win: The Artist 

Who Could Win: Hugo; The Descendants 

Dark Horse: The Tree of Life

This Year’s Crash: Incredibly Loud and Extremely Close; The Help; War Horse 

Who Got Snubbed: Drive; Melancholia; A Separation; Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy 

Best Director

Who Will Win: Michael Hazanavicius - The Artist

Who Could Win: Terrence Mallick - The Tree of Life; Alexander Payne - The Descendants  

Don’t Count Them Out: Martin Scorsese - Hugo 

While Ol’ Big Eyebrows already snapped his Real Lifetime Achievement Award back in 2007 for the Departed, Scorsese could snag another trophy for the whimsical Hugo, since he’s Martin Fucking Scorsese. 

Who Got Snubbed: Nicholas Winding Refn; Lars Von Trier, Asghar Farhadi 

It doesn’t help that Lar Von Trier compared himself to Hitler, seeing how Melancholia was the closest thing that Von Trier that could win Oscar Gold. Winding Refn, the director of the stylized Drive got shut out because it’s too slow and European; the Academy voters probably confused him for fellow Dane von Trier. Farhadi, director of A Separation is Iranian, and Oscar normally shuts anything out of Hollywood’s sphere of influence. 

Best Actor

Who Will Win: George Clooney - The Descendants 

Who Could Win: Jean Dujardin - The Artist 

Who Got Snubbed: Ryan Gosling - Drive

Best Actress

Who Will Win: Viola Davis - The Help 

Who Could Win: Everyone else, except for Rooney Mara probably. Meryl Streep is Meryl Fucking Streep and Glenn Close has never won and SHE PLAYED A FUCKING MAN. 

Who Got Snubbed: Kirsten Dunst - Melancholia

Best Supporting Actor 

Who Will Win: I Don’t Fucking Know 

Who Could Win: Christopher Plummer - Beginners; Max von Sydow - Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close 

It’s because they’re old and legendary and never won. 

Who Got Snubbed: Albert Brooks - Drive; Patton Oswalt - Young Adult; Uggie the Dog - The Artist 

Best Supporting Actress

Who Will Win: Berenice Bejo - The Artist 

Who Could Win: Jessica Chastain or Octavia Spencer - The Help

Best Original Screenplay

Who Will Win: The Artist - Michael Hazanavicius

Who Could Win: Bridesmaids - Kristen Wiig and Annie Murnolo

Who Got Snubbed: The Tree of Life - Terrence Mallick 

Best Adapted Screenplay

Who Will Win: The Descendants - Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, and Jim Rash 

Who Could Win: Hugo - John Logan; Moneyball - Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin 

Who Got Snubbed: Hossein Amini - Drive 

Best Animated Feature

Who Will Win: Rango 

Who Could Win: Either Kung Fu Panda 2 or Puss in Boots, though don’t rule out the indies A Cat in Paris and Chico and Rita. 

Best Foreign Language Film

Who Will Win: A Separation 

Who Could Win: The Oscar for the Foreign Language Film have been notoriously out there. Politics, conservative viewing habits and an ass backwards nomination process can cause any of these films to grab the awards. Just ask Tsotsi, The Counterfeiters and Departures. 

Best Original Score 

Who Will Win: The Artist - Ludovic Bource 

Best Original Song 

Who Will Win: “Man or Muppets” from the Muppets

It better win, because it’s the fucking Muppets. 

Best Sound Editing

Who Will Win: Hugo 

Who Could Win: Drive 

A guy can hope right? 

Best Sound Mixing

Who Will Win: Hugo 

Best Art Direction

Who Will Win: The Artist 

Who Could Win: Hugo; Midnight in Paris 

Best Cinematography

Who Will Win: Guillaume Schiffman - The Artist 

Who Could Win: Emmanuel Lubezki - The Tree of Life; Robert Richardson - Hugo 

Who Got Snubbed: Newton Thomas Segal - Drive 

Best Costume Design

Who Will Win: The Artist 

Who Could Win: Hugo 

Best Makeup

Who Will Win: Albert Nobbs

THEY MADE GLENN CLOSE LOOK LIKE A MAN, DUDE

Who Could Win: The Iron Lady; Harry Potter

THEY MADE MERYL STREEP LOOK LIKE A MAN, DUDE

Best Film Editing 

Who Will Win: The Artist 

Who Could Win: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Who Got SnubbedThe Tree of Life 

Best Visual Effects 

Who Will Win: Hugo

Who Could Win: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two

Can’t Make a Pick

Best Documentary - Feature 

Best Documentary - Short Subject 

Best Live Action Short Film

Best Animated Short Film